I really don’t know. It’s fact that I’m addicted to smoking, but it was my very only vice. And of course I shouldn’t drink alcohol, too, which is really an easy-going thing to do for me.

The whole situation is due my new disease. It’s some kind of harder stuff, because my pancreas is a serious danger for itself. So the doctors have to eviscerate my gall bladder. Tomorrow I will see with my very own eyes the MRT and I’m so interested how the feeling’s inside.

Now it’s time for bed or the nurse will hunt me down. Sleep well!

after all, i can say it was the time worth. it was fun to meet the “old guys” again. the boys and the girls, the pearlwine and the sangria. and of course schnaps. selfmade by my dad.

the best thing about it, was the talking. i’m not that fond of parties, but i like the talking and chatting with other people really much. it’s an amazing thing to do. everyone should talk sometimes. and even if it is only about the kitchen duties or doing the whole household. it doesn’t matter. it counts. there are guys you haven’t seen for very long time and they still care about your talk.

even in the washing, cleaning, learning and cooking processes they are interested. that’s so very nice. i really want them to come over and have a little dinner at my place.

sometimes it’s really hard. i moved out some months ago and there are times i miss this bunch of chaotics very much. i wouldn’t say it, because it seems very easy this way, but it isn’t this easy with or without them.

sometimes i’m really sad and calm, i’m laying in my bed an watching TV to do anything. i don’t like these days. i’m really lonely. but in the evening after the arrival of my precious boyfriend i’m really happy. i know exactly, why i want to live for my own, just with him. because i love him, i love our endless talks, i love how he cares about everything, how he is pleased by the food i’m cooking.

he gives me so much, but i’m really confused, maybe even a little bit hurt by the thought i’m not living any longer with my family.

but i guess it’s the way of life. sooner or later we want to be for ourselves. to take care for ourselves. feeling the responsability, sometimes the loneliness and on few occasions just the process of growing up and becoming adult.

after all, i’m not a fan of downloaded stuff, i need a real cd with a real booklet, which you can touch, read. but sometimes, when a band released their new album they have to go in tour, which is really important, though i think all those amazing finnisch metal bands should be told, that they’re only allowed to play in austria. salzburg or the well and widely known megacity gmunden.

okey, i’m coming back to some realistic nonsense. (well, i laugh the hardest about my worst jokes) after all those amazing finnish metal bands are on tour, yes… but right now… not in austria, and when they’re coming to austria, then they’re going to vienna… god, i don’t like vienna… listen guys, i don’t like vienna!!!!!!

and since i’m really in concert-ing mood, i’m watching you tube videos. better than nothing and i’m still fond of anette olzon’s voice. amazing. especially “higher than hope” is a natural masterpiece.

air tries its best to be down to earth and earth tries to be light hearted like the air.

both of them seems to have a problem. air is on the one hand in mood for some nice little thunderstorms on the other hand it loves the soft spring breezes.

the earth’s sometimes so hard and sometimes so soft, caresses and gives you the feeling of home.

both together are lost with and without them.

they both should get drunken. and create their own atmosphere. to make things clearer. earth needs the air to be fertile… air… does the air need the earth?

why can anyone talk so… utter nonsense?

i mean… ‘kay, i’m no musician in any kind, no singer (except under the shower or on the toilet – hell, yeah, i love to sing on the loo), no musician (well, i’m not able to play one whole song from my keayboard lessons), no lyrics writer (yes, i’m writing some nice little poems, but they actually are crab)… but i love music… sometimes listening to music is the reason why i stand up in the morning (or noon).

and now there’s this lady, who thinks i don’t understand anything about music and she’s telling me all the time to study, to work harder, to do this and that. i have to do everything except of having fun.

listening to music is fun, but it’s more than this… it’s some kind of lifestyle… my lifestyle.

you will ask yourself what the hell this should be.
the answer:
the best parts in my weeks.
so called smokial conversations are with amazing friends one, twice or (sometimes) three times a week. you’re sitting or standing in the kitchen and talk about sense and nonsense. facts and fiction. thoughts and emotions.
and sometimes you’re not saying a word, just smoke your cigarettes and enjoy the silence accompanied by a friend.

well, you-know-who, thanks for smoking!

after all carneval time ends with today night. and i’m really happy with this fact.
everywhere crazy, drunken people with costumes and not the best manners. i’m not prude, especially not during the carneval periode, but i guess with my last birthday the love to this “mystical” und “special” season has found its end.

well, i can’t imagine why i liked it so much… meeting friends, having some drinks… playing a role. everyone of us can have this daily. especially acting to be someone else isn’t what i am looking for right now.
frankly, i love the thougt of being myself to study and just have to be honest with everyone around me.

as a matter of fact right now, i just want to take a hot bath and afterwards do some painting, maybe i try to finish my latest piece of oil painting… being nice to my hurt leg.
(haha… a really witty story… i took a picture of a nice scenery outside of salzburg and i twisted my ankle… so right now i’m wearing a splint… even at night. grrrrr)

oh… and i guess i’ll try out my new mp3-player… if i can find some pieces by karajan at home i’d be pleased… ’cause i can’t bear haydn any longer.

well… this tradition keeps imagination rolling. if you know what i mean.
i started to write two new stories, though one is only for my dearest dom. (yes, i’m awake. i can’t fucking sleep after my gran’s coffee… it should be sold as “wake the dead” – drink… maybe the coffee i drank with you in the nice little gutenberg wasn’t this wise either or the assam-tea afterwards. i have no bloody idea. and yes… i’m a little bit annoyed.)

our yearly gluttony passed and i wasn’t able to eat the whole menu.

our little musicians were terrible… but great fun… this orchestra should take some time to rehearse the following year… but wow… they made a good job. really… one of my cousins got a keyboard, the other one an e-guitar… only two days ago… and they could play… a little bit.

after singing and laughing we spoke a little prayer and it was hard not to cry. one single tear escaped. i still don’t like the thought about losing grandma nr. 1. or that a tiny human being had to leave.

the gifts were really nice. today i’m going shopping. i’m in the need of new boots since i can’t find the ones i bought two years ago, though they are practically new.

i shouldn’t smoke again, but meanwhile i’m a heavy addicted person. and a headache pill coulnd’t hurt either.

sleep well, dear folks.

well, i had a lot of fun tonight. it was a feeling of coming home again. the whole bunch of relatives came up to our traditional visit from “nikolaus”… in some ways he’s like the world famous santa. he has a white beard and some sack full of nuts, chocolate and some other kinds of sweets or presents.
but the original idea behind our nice mr. nikolaus is based on this bishop from… myra… he was a very nice man and cared about others very much, helped them out when they needed something… not only a cup of coffee or something like this… he helped the people to survive under the hardest conditions. something like bred for the poor ones.
it really makes me think about other people… especially when i look around and recognize what a pleasure our lifes are nowadays. but still most of us don’t seem to be satisfied. sad.

right now i’m listening track 3 of the garden state soundtrack… i need this chilly feeling to come down and don’t be so… maybe you really can say… depressed. i mean… me and my ex we talked for a long time last weekend and we decided to give it another chance… but only something very open… just like a weekend-relationship… and now… he couldn’t find time to give me a call… on the one hand i’m really worried, maybe somthing terrible happened… but i know him for so long and so i’m really fierce on the other hand.

it’s just like the last weeks in our fucking relationship. i worried to death and he enjoys himself. well, since i don’t really know anything and i believe in the good in all people (i know it’s naive)… i only can wait.

maybe it’s easier to forget all those wasted feelings for him. it would be better for me.

but love… love is a really bad thing. so people… better fall in love with someone who shows you how much you mean to him or her.

my tiny little room is a little bit more comfy lately. on the one hand meanwhile i’m used to it and on the other hand my scented candles help a hell of a lot.

we had some snow last week… it was so wonderful… like in a winter wonderland, if you know what i mean. everywhere the world was getting a little bit calmer and you were in an enchanted awareness of childhood memories… like the former wintertimes… or the advent… with these little calendars full with chocolate or some little tools for your lego-town…

and now… the snow left. the cold, grey mood returned and it seems like it really wants to stay here… increasing numbers of sick people and tons of money left in the drugstores. i should tidy up the room. tomorrow i’m leaving salzburg again and come home for weekend. i have no idea what i’m going to do… well… take a break, of course. on saturday… cocktails night at elli’s… well you know… nice dressed… nice cocktails… nice friends… crazy ’cause we’re too young to do such ‘desperate housewives’ things. but okay.

and at any time this weekend i’m going to talk with him… to get a little bit more information and we’ll see how things are going to work out. and in any case… i guess it would be right… or fate… or something like this. god, i’m overly excited.

 the world should be calmer… i mean… the best part of day is walking through the rural aeria to smell the wet earth and grass. to get in touch with all the fog, so the clothes are hardly soaked. a nice feeling… maybe hiking would be nice this weekend. well… i should ask my personal prince charming… you know… during walking you can think much better… even about things which are so emotional like these.

we’ll see what the time is bringing.